Random thoughts....sort of

I just love the song When All is Said and Done. I remember hearing it for the first time on my mission and realized that it was MY song. I wish I could take the credit and say that I wrote it but I can't. It's such a beautiful song and helps me keep the perspective I should have in this life.

I also love the song Pie Jesu. It's also a beautiful song but it also brings back so many memories with my best friend at the time. I sort of miss those days. Well, actually I miss my friend probably the most. I will probably get into that later.

Today's been a tough day and I am not sure why. There's been really nothing that would trigger that would make it a tough day but it just has been. Thankfully, I have recognized that it's been that kind of day for me so I haven't acted "stupid" and gotten myself into trouble. I also feel that maybe I needed to write as well. So that's what I am up to tonight.

I had a neat experience last night. I was invited over to a FHE at the Bishop's house. I guess they have one every Monday night for those older but yet still single. The Bishop's wife gave the lesson but before she read out of the Ensign she played the new Mack Wilberg arrangement of Joseph Smith's First Prayer. As I sat there and listened I was taken back to that sacred place and wondered what it would have been like to be one of those trees and witness the vision first hand. As I contemplated on that theme, I was reminded that I too have had my own "First Vision". Though I didn't kneel in a grove of trees I knelt by my bedside and also prayed vocally. Though I didn't see the Father or the Son personally I can't deny that truth was spoken in my heart when I asked questions that would influence the rest of my life. Ever since that night, I too can say like Joseph Smith and the Apostle Paul that I know what I have [heard] and I cannot deny it.

Now for something totally different.

I have been contemplating for a while on relationships. I guess I really do miss having friends. Now don't get me wrong, I do have friends but the majority of them are married. We do get together occasionally but they have their their own families now so I sort of have to take a back seat (which I understand needs to happen).

I guess I have had two people that have been running through my mind for the longest time and honestly it's driving me crazy. I need to let go of them but I don't know how. One is my best friend or should I say was my best friend. The other is a missionary companion. I really ache to have some sort of relationship with these two but I know that it will never happen again in this life.

I have known my friend since high school. When we became friends we were inseparable. He even helped me through some rough times and helped me want to serve a full time mission. I really thought that this friendship would last through the eternities but I don't think that it's going to end up that way. You see, after he got back from his mission but just before I left for mine he told me that he was going to be gay and that there was nothing I could do about it. I really did understand where he was coming from because I have felt the same way. However, I know that when I recieved my own witness of the truthfullness of the gospel I couldn't go against it's teachings. I think that's what made a big riff in my friend's and mine friendship. For some reason I think he's hurt and I have tried to apologize (to which he has accepted my apology) but still....he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. It's like I never exsisted in his life.

My missionary companion was a godsend. He actually was my trainer and I totally believe that if I would have any other missionary for a trainer I would have left the mission early. You see, I gave myself two weeks from the time that I landed at destination airport and I maid a deal with the Lord that I would to my best for the first two weeks and if at the end of the two weeks I still wanted to go home I would (no if's, and's or but's). Within 24 hours from that prayer I had things happen that I knew that the Lord had heard my prayer. One of these was my new companion. We really did become good friends. We had so much in common and he helped me through some rough times with investigators and also with my best friend back home. He always kept saying that he was so excited for me to meet his family and also the times that we would get together to swap music that we both love. I really did feel a bond that I have only felt one other time in my life and that was with my best friend. I just happended to be at the going home meeting that my companion was at. After the meeting there were promises that we would get together once I got back.

I guess promises are meant to be broken. I got home from my mission hoping that I could start a friendship with my compaion where we left off. I tried calling and I tried writing letters but would never get a response. One day I actually bumped into him and he suggested that we get together and have lunch. He gave me his phone number and told me to call. I happened to be home from school for a Christmas break so I would only have a few days to meet up. I called the next day but had to leave a message. Then a few days went by and still no word. When Friday came I called again but had to leave another message. this time I told him that I would be heading back to school on Sunday so if he would like to go to lunch we would have to do it on Saturday. Well, Saturday came and went and he never called me back.

I still haven't heard from him but I am not holding my breath any longer. Again, apparently I never exsisted in this persons life. I can't get past this friendship. I feel like I need to in order to progress in my life but I dont' know what to do. It been suggested by a therapist that I write a letter to this person and really tell them how I feel and then rip it up. I have tried this several times but it feels like it's not making a dent. I feel the only way that I will be able to get past this is if I tell him what I think face to face but that would really destroy any hope of a friendship in the future.

I just kills me to think about what it will be like in the eternities knowing that I won't have these friendships to have for eternity.