Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Random thoughts....sort of

I just love the song When All is Said and Done. I remember hearing it for the first time on my mission and realized that it was MY song. I wish I could take the credit and say that I wrote it but I can't. It's such a beautiful song and helps me keep the perspective I should have in this life.

I also love the song Pie Jesu. It's also a beautiful song but it also brings back so many memories with my best friend at the time. I sort of miss those days. Well, actually I miss my friend probably the most. I will probably get into that later.

Today's been a tough day and I am not sure why. There's been really nothing that would trigger that would make it a tough day but it just has been. Thankfully, I have recognized that it's been that kind of day for me so I haven't acted "stupid" and gotten myself into trouble. I also feel that maybe I needed to write as well. So that's what I am up to tonight.

I had a neat experience last night. I was invited over to a FHE at the Bishop's house. I guess they have one every Monday night for those older but yet still single. The Bishop's wife gave the lesson but before she read out of the Ensign she played the new Mack Wilberg arrangement of Joseph Smith's First Prayer. As I sat there and listened I was taken back to that sacred place and wondered what it would have been like to be one of those trees and witness the vision first hand. As I contemplated on that theme, I was reminded that I too have had my own "First Vision". Though I didn't kneel in a grove of trees I knelt by my bedside and also prayed vocally. Though I didn't see the Father or the Son personally I can't deny that truth was spoken in my heart when I asked questions that would influence the rest of my life. Ever since that night, I too can say like Joseph Smith and the Apostle Paul that I know what I have [heard] and I cannot deny it.
Now for something totally different.
I have been contemplating for a while on relationships. I guess I really do miss having friends. Now don't get me wrong, I do have friends but the majority of them are married. We do get together occasionally but they have their their own families now so I sort of have to take a back seat (which I understand needs to happen).
I guess I have had two people that have been running through my mind for the longest time and honestly it's driving me crazy. I need to let go of them but I don't know how. One is my best friend or should I say was my best friend. The other is a missionary companion. I really ache to have some sort of relationship with these two but I know that it will never happen again in this life.
I have known my friend since high school. When we became friends we were inseparable. He even helped me through some rough times and helped me want to serve a full time mission. I really thought that this friendship would last through the eternities but I don't think that it's going to end up that way. You see, after he got back from his mission but just before I left for mine he told me that he was going to be gay and that there was nothing I could do about it. I really did understand where he was coming from because I have felt the same way. However, I know that when I recieved my own witness of the truthfullness of the gospel I couldn't go against it's teachings. I think that's what made a big riff in my friend's and mine friendship. For some reason I think he's hurt and I have tried to apologize (to which he has accepted my apology) but still....he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. It's like I never exsisted in his life.
My missionary companion was a godsend. He actually was my trainer and I totally believe that if I would have any other missionary for a trainer I would have left the mission early. You see, I gave myself two weeks from the time that I landed at destination airport and I maid a deal with the Lord that I would to my best for the first two weeks and if at the end of the two weeks I still wanted to go home I would (no if's, and's or but's). Within 24 hours from that prayer I had things happen that I knew that the Lord had heard my prayer. One of these was my new companion. We really did become good friends. We had so much in common and he helped me through some rough times with investigators and also with my best friend back home. He always kept saying that he was so excited for me to meet his family and also the times that we would get together to swap music that we both love. I really did feel a bond that I have only felt one other time in my life and that was with my best friend. I just happended to be at the going home meeting that my companion was at. After the meeting there were promises that we would get together once I got back.
I guess promises are meant to be broken. I got home from my mission hoping that I could start a friendship with my compaion where we left off. I tried calling and I tried writing letters but would never get a response. One day I actually bumped into him and he suggested that we get together and have lunch. He gave me his phone number and told me to call. I happened to be home from school for a Christmas break so I would only have a few days to meet up. I called the next day but had to leave a message. Then a few days went by and still no word. When Friday came I called again but had to leave another message. this time I told him that I would be heading back to school on Sunday so if he would like to go to lunch we would have to do it on Saturday. Well, Saturday came and went and he never called me back.
I still haven't heard from him but I am not holding my breath any longer. Again, apparently I never exsisted in this persons life. I can't get past this friendship. I feel like I need to in order to progress in my life but I dont' know what to do. It been suggested by a therapist that I write a letter to this person and really tell them how I feel and then rip it up. I have tried this several times but it feels like it's not making a dent. I feel the only way that I will be able to get past this is if I tell him what I think face to face but that would really destroy any hope of a friendship in the future.
I just kills me to think about what it will be like in the eternities knowing that I won't have these friendships to have for eternity.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Pulling Taffy

I have really hesitated on writing these past couple of weeks as you can tell from the gaping time that has elapsed since my last blog. I guess, for one reason, it's because I am sort of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. Now, I am not an English major and I am sure that my grammar and spelling needs some work but I want to be able to be able to craft my thoughts and words in a way that is both pleasing and edifying to the writer and the reader. However, I realize that if I took the time to review my thoughts before publishing them it would NEVER get done.

This past week really has been difficult for me. Choosing the right isn't always easy as they make it to seem like in Sunday School. I sort of feel like Adam did when he was in the Garden with Eve. He was given two commandments to follow but in order to keep one he had to break the other. To some extent, it must have been a hard decision for him to make when he partook of the fruit. I am sure he wanted to keep one foot in the Garden but also keep the other foot with his wife Eve.

I am grateful that I don't have to make a decision like that. His decision changed the course of the whole human race for eternity. However, I know that where I am at the decisions I make will ultimately change my life and my families life for eternity.

I have always been taught that marriage is part of God's plan and I wholeheartedly support that belief. But right now I need to know that belief will work out in the end because I need hope that it will work out.

I am frustrated because I have been given a commandment to get married in order to have eternal life. But what happens when the switch for the attraction towards women is switched to an attraction towards men?
I guess I feel frustrated becuase of what I know. I know that God has heard my prayer and has answered them. Therefore I am obligated to follow his commandments and teachings. I guess it makes me wonder why there are others out there who supposedly get the same answer as I do and yet go against what they know. I am perplexed on what holds me back from taking a step into that "dark and dreary world".
That's what frustrates me the most. It furstrates me that here I choose to "do what is right" yet feel so incomplete. I thought that when we make good choices that we are supposed to be comforted in knowing we did what's right but I don't feel that way. I feel like I am going to be frustrated my whole life because I don't want to be alone but yet I don't want to get married yet what I do want I really can't have.
It doesn't make any sense at all.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I Need to Start Somewhere

Why am I starting this blog? That’s perfectly good question. I am not sure if I can quite answer that one yet. I do know that it was suggested to me, by a good friend, it might be a good way to start the healing process by writing down my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t know why I chose to blog because I am afraid that, no matter how general I am in this blog, there will be those out there who read my blog and realize that I am their son, brother, friend, someone they went to school with, or even a member of their church.

I am not here to preach or to stir up contention but my own personal beliefs will influence the way that I write. Please respect my own opinions and , if need be, agree to disagree without getting into an arugment.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

In the Beginning.....

Here I am, writing my first post on the last day of 2008. It's amazing to see how fast this past year has really flown.

I know that this is going to be short but I wanted to start writing a blog. I have tried in the past but kept putting it off and putting it off.

Happy New Year everyone!