I have really hesitated on writing these past couple of weeks as you can tell from the gaping time that has elapsed since my last blog. I guess, for one reason, it's because I am sort of a perfectionist when it comes to writing. Now, I am not an English major and I am sure that my grammar and spelling needs some work but I want to be able to be able to craft my thoughts and words in a way that is both pleasing and edifying to the writer and the reader. However, I realize that if I took the time to review my thoughts before publishing them it would NEVER get done.
This past week really has been difficult for me. Choosing the right isn't always easy as they make it to seem like in Sunday School. I sort of feel like Adam did when he was in the Garden with Eve. He was given two commandments to follow but in order to keep one he had to break the other. To some extent, it must have been a hard decision for him to make when he partook of the fruit. I am sure he wanted to keep one foot in the Garden but also keep the other foot with his wife Eve.
I am grateful that I don't have to make a decision like that. His decision changed the course of the whole human race for eternity. However, I know that where I am at the decisions I make will ultimately change my life and my families life for eternity.
I have always been taught that marriage is part of God's plan and I wholeheartedly support that belief. But right now I need to know that belief will work out in the end because I need hope that it will work out.
I am frustrated because I have been given a commandment to get married in order to have eternal life. But what happens when the switch for the attraction towards women is switched to an attraction towards men?
This past week really has been difficult for me. Choosing the right isn't always easy as they make it to seem like in Sunday School. I sort of feel like Adam did when he was in the Garden with Eve. He was given two commandments to follow but in order to keep one he had to break the other. To some extent, it must have been a hard decision for him to make when he partook of the fruit. I am sure he wanted to keep one foot in the Garden but also keep the other foot with his wife Eve.
I am grateful that I don't have to make a decision like that. His decision changed the course of the whole human race for eternity. However, I know that where I am at the decisions I make will ultimately change my life and my families life for eternity.
I have always been taught that marriage is part of God's plan and I wholeheartedly support that belief. But right now I need to know that belief will work out in the end because I need hope that it will work out.
I am frustrated because I have been given a commandment to get married in order to have eternal life. But what happens when the switch for the attraction towards women is switched to an attraction towards men?
I guess I feel frustrated becuase of what I know. I know that God has heard my prayer and has answered them. Therefore I am obligated to follow his commandments and teachings. I guess it makes me wonder why there are others out there who supposedly get the same answer as I do and yet go against what they know. I am perplexed on what holds me back from taking a step into that "dark and dreary world".
That's what frustrates me the most. It furstrates me that here I choose to "do what is right" yet feel so incomplete. I thought that when we make good choices that we are supposed to be comforted in knowing we did what's right but I don't feel that way. I feel like I am going to be frustrated my whole life because I don't want to be alone but yet I don't want to get married yet what I do want I really can't have.
It doesn't make any sense at all.
You nailed it perfectly. According to our current understanding, what you want way down deep you can't have, at least not while retaining any hope of the eternal blessings you've been taught we should all aim for.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right, it doesn't make any sense. In case you're interested in reading someone else's thoughts about the same thing (at least you'll know you're not alone in your frustrations, go here.
Lux, don't worry about being a perfectionist. None of us are waiting to pounce on someone because of incorrect grammar or wandering thoughts. Just be who you are and post your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the dilemma you are facing. I am married, yet too cannot have the male intimacy I would love to have. I am reminded of a story that I heard in Sacrament meeting when I was a kid. The story was about two farmers, one who harvested on the Sabbath and got his crops in before a big storm. The other farmer kept the Sabbath and lost his crop. When the second farmer was asked how he felt about losing his crop because he kept the Sabbath, he responded, "the Lord doesn't balance his books in October." In other words, the Lord metes out his blessings on his own time frame, not ours.
I know that does little to alleviate the pain and loneliness now, but I do believe he will help us find ways to be happy even in this life if we truly seek to do his will. It is really hard to see others around us make choices that go against the light they have been given, but we cannot judge their hearts nor let their choices weaken our resolve.